The Tabloid News Edition 13
The Tabloid News - XIII 'FROM THE EDITOR ' Greetings, my children. Father Pickles here to bring you another edition of The Tabloid News. This is the thirteenth edition of the second volume. Don’t worry, I have sprinkled holy water on it and taken away all the bad luck. I took some time off from the diocese to come to the ol’ Tabloid News offices and crank out another edition. I hope you like it. I’ve added a new section, “Father Pickles’ Confessionals.” Here I’ve taken some of the best confessions I’ve heard and am sharing them with you. Don’t worry, the confidentiality is still there, but some of these are quite funny. Anyway, on with the news! 'THE TRUTH ABOUT SPARKY ' Finally, folks, we at The Tabloid News bring you the sensational 100% true truth about Sparky, that mysterious leader whom no one knows about. We bring you the lies behind the truth and the truth behind the lies of the Sparky administration. This is an exclusive expose brought to you by the hard working reporters of The Tabloid News. Sparky was born on a mountain top in Tennessee, the greenest state in the land of the free. He was born in the woods so he knew every tree. He killed him a bear when he was only three. Sparky is the father of every kid in Dallas. His poop is considered currency in Argentina. I once saw him scissor-kick Calvin Coolidge. One time Sparky took Penny’s Puppy out to go get a drink with him. They went off looking for a bar and we could not find one. Finally Sparky takes Puppy to a vacant lot and says, “Here we are.” They sat there for a year and a half — until sure enough, someone constructed a bar around them. Well, the day the bar opened, they ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Sparky yelled over the roar of the flames, “Always leave things the way you found 'em!" He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road. He hated Protestants! And he was half-Protestants! And he hated irony! The story of Johnny Appleseed is based on Sparky, except for the part about planting apple trees, and not raping men. He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. His friends once threw a bachelor party for Sparky. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it. Sparky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Charles Lindbergh. When Sparky taught his son how to drive, e did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Sparky said it would've happened sometime. He slept with all of our wives, punched us in the face, and we loved him for it. He sleeps eight hours a night. Well, he is pretty normal when it comes to that. And there you have the truth about Sparky. 'EVIL BUNNY NOT EVIL AT ALL ' We are sorry to tell you all that we have examined Evil Bunny’s tax records and have found that he made almost two million dollars in charitable contributions over the last five years. He was seen this Thanksgiving feeding the homeless at a soup kitchen. He was even seen collecting presents for orphans for this coming Christmas. He helped an old lady across the street. It is true, beneath his horribly evil, gruff exterior, he is a marshmallow inside – as sweet as honeysuckle. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN' Dear Red, I always have trouble keep my weight down over the holidays. What should I do? Signed, Eating in Ontario -------------------------------------- Dear Eating, I have a weight loss tape for you. It’s duct tape. Stick it over your mouth and shut your pie hole! Red ------------------------------------------ Dear Red, I am very shy and I pretend to be mean to cover it up. How can I over come this? Signed, E. Bunny ----------------------------------------- Dear Evil, Forget it. You’re a loser. It’s best you don’t talk to anyone, and that’s the best advice I can give! Red ---------------------------------------------- Dear Red, I wet the bed. I wish I was dead. Or is it all in my head? Signed, MinB ----------------------------------------------- Dear Man in Black . . . I mean MinB, Sounds about right. Listen to the voices, they know what’s best. Red 'BRAND NEW! CONFESSION WITH FATHER PICKLES ' Nov 24th 4:03PM Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been one day since my last confession. Father, I intend on ruling the world and killing all the puppies in it. I will be an evil dictator with no regard for life. Please save my evil soul from the eternal lake of fire. - Sounds like a cat to me! All cats go to hell. The Pope told me so! Nov 24th 9:31AM Forgive ne father for i have sinned, i have never confessed before never had the need to but recently i have been mugging loads of old women i think it's a slight turn on! - That’s a perfectly normal reaction. I mean, you get what you can take, right? Nov 24th 7:10AM Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been ages since my last confession. I defacated in my bosses desk draw. Please grant me my pennance yada yada yada... - No penance for you! Now get out there and clean up my desk while saying some Hail Mary’s. And, you’re fired! Nov 24th 8:43AM I confess father. I have held murderous thoughts, kept in check behind a perfect smile. I nod. I smile. I speak quietly. And all the while, I give no signal to the terror that will be unleashed. Allow me to remain silent and forgive me in advance. - No problems. You’re forgiven. We’re friends right? You wouldn’t hurt a friend would you? Nice sinner. Good sinner. That’s a good confessor. Nov 24th 8:04AM I confess to pretending to be a wench and being disturbed by Matruim's strange goatish advances. Bless me and us all father. - Miguel, go home! Nov 24th 2:45AM Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have had lustful thoughts about my priest while I’m at cheerleader practice. What should I do to absolve my sins? - Ten Hail Marys, and one telephone number please. 'SANTA CLAUS IN LEGAL TROUBLE, CHRISTMAS IN DANGER ' Santa Claus was arrested yesterday by the DEA for smuggling drugs to third world dictators under the guise of delivering presents. Special Agent Bill Brasky said that Mr. Claus would stash drugs inside the toys and drop them down the chimneys of good dictators to sell to destabilize other nation’s economies. He was later released on bail even though he is a flight risk. Inside sources say there’s a good reason Rudolph’s nose is so red . . . sampling the merchandise. 'EDITORIAL: PIRATES vs. NINJAS – A COMPARISON ' Pirates have cool clothes, Ninjas have black pajamas. Pirates have nifty catchphrases like “Avast” and “Arrrr.” Ninjas do not. Pirates are in search of and often get booty. Ninjas always get the fake phone number. Pirates sail in cool ships. Ninjas have to walk or hitchhike. Pirates get to sing sea shanties. Ninjas sing Kumbaya. Pirate women wear low cut tops. Ninja women wear un-flattering black pajamas. Pirates have pet monkeys and parrots. Ninjas keep cats. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. Pirates rule, Ninjas drool. 'MAN WITH ONE ARM AND ONE LEG IN GRAIN THRESHING ACCIDENT ' Charles “Lucky” MacMillan was in a horrible grain threshing accident. Having lost his other arm and leg, he just lays in his bed all day. Instead if calling him “Lucky” his friends decided it doesn’t matter what they call him, he’s not answering the phone anyway. 'GENERAL MANAGER OF BAR DEALING WITH STRANGE REQUESTS ' In a rare occasion, we at The Tabloid News are bringing you a new feature, which is an absolutely positively true story. General Manager, J.P. of a certain local pub was approached by a lady who wished to perform music at the bar. Having a fairly full schedule of entertainment, he asked her if she was playing any where else in town where he could hear her play. She said she was playing several private parties, but was going to play a show at one place he could go. It’s an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. She said it was okay, just don’t tell people he’s not an alcoholic. But, seriously . . . what kind of fan base is she going to be able to bring into the bar? What would he say? “Hi, my name is JP. I’m not an alcoholic, but if you like this lady playing tonight, well then, come down to my bar to hear her on Sunday! Free cover with a ten-year chip!” I couldn’t make this up, folks.